TOP FUNNY QUOTES

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I never said most of the things I said. 

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. 

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. 

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. 

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. 

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. 

One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. 

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. 

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. 

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? 

I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met. 

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights. 

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. 

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. 

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. 

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. 

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. 

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. 

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.