BEST FACEBOOK & WHATSAPP STATUS

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1. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
2. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
3. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
4. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
5. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
6. We are all either fools or undiscovered geniuses.
7. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
8. No, I’m not feeling violent, I’m feeling creative with weapons.You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
9. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
10. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
11. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
12. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
13. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
14. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
15. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
16. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
17. The real reason women live longer than men because they don’t have to live with women.
18. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
19. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
20. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
21. If winning is not everything why do they keep score?
22. After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
25. Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
26. Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!
27. I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
28. There are no winners in life…only survivors.
29. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
30. I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
31. We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die.
32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
33. Without ME, it’s just AWESO.